Kobold Vending Machine

Kobold Vending Machine – One-Shot Rules

The Premise

You are a kobold in service to an overly ambitious (and completely bonkers) kobold boss. Your job? Complete wildly impractical missions like "steal the tail off a manticore" or "build a trebuchet out of bread."

Death is expected. When you inevitably perish, just hit the Kobold Vending Machine to pop out a new one. New name. New stat quirk. Same mission. Same disaster waiting to happen.

Rolling the Dice

• Roll a d20 for anything risky.
• The GM sets a DC from 10 (easy) to 20 (ridiculous).
• If your kobold's adjective grants a stat bonus or penalty, add it (if it's relevant).

That's it. Fast. Funny. Fatal.

Stats & Modifiers

Each kobold starts with these base stats:

• STR 7 (–2), DEX 15 (+2), CON 9 (–1)
• INT 8 (–1), WIS 7 (–2), CHA 8 (–1)

When you roll a kobold name from the vending machine, it'll look like "Snaggle the Nimble" or "Drebzo the Clumsy". The adjective affects your stats. For example:

• "Lumzix the Unsightly" → Charisma –2
• "Arbik the Ripe" → Strength +2

Check the Stat Modifiers tab to apply the right bonus or penalty. If the adjective isn't listed, pick a close synonym or use it for flavour without a modifier.

The Kobold Vending Machine

• When you die, press the big button.
• A new kobold emerges with a randomly generated name and stat-modifying adjective.
• You're back in the game immediately—same chaos, fresh lizard.

Each kobold also comes with a personality. Base it on the name, the adjective, or your current energy level. Embrace the ridiculous.

Expect Frequent, Funny Deaths

Every situation is an opportunity for disaster. Encourage wild ideas. Don't cling to survival. The goal is humour and creative chaos.

Example:
GM: "A sleeping bear blocks the cave exit. What do you do?"
Player: "I jump on its back and ride it out!"
GM: "Roll Animal Handling, DC 18." → *Failure.*
GM: "The bear panics and flings you. You hit a rock and black out. Time to press the button."

GM Tips

• Say yes—then set a difficult DC and describe the chaos that follows.
• Let vending machine respawns be quick and loud. Use the name generator and play the sounds for extra flair.
• Let player creativity lead the story. This is a sandbox full of explosives.

Play fast. Die funny. Push the button.

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Scenario: For the Glory of Ulvatharra

Introduction

The cavern echoes with the sound of gathered Kobolds, their eyes glimmering with anticipation as they huddle around the central fire pit. The air is thick with the scent of burning herbs and the rhythmic beat of ceremonial drums. At the heart of the assembly stands Anvitarum, the shaman leader, adorned in intricate bone and feather regalia, his eyes glowing with fervent zeal.

Anvitarum raises his staff, encrusted with precious stones and crowned with a dragon's fang, and the crowd falls silent. "Brothers and sisters of the clan, hear me!" Anvitarum's voice resonates through the chamber. "The time has come for us to rise and fulfil our destiny. Our Dragon Queen, Ulvatharra, the Great Serpent of the Skies, demands our devotion and our strength. We are chosen, her favoured children, to build a temple in her honour that will touch the heavens and proclaim her glory to all who dwell above and below."

He pauses, allowing his words to sink in, the flickering flames casting eerie shadows on the walls. "But to erect this sacred temple, we need more. More food to sustain us, more equipment to craft and build, and more slaves to toil under our command. The surface world above us teems with what we require. It is our duty to seize it, to prove our worth to Ulvatharra."

Anvitarum points towards the cavern entrance, his eyes burning with intensity. "The first of you will journey to the surface, to the lands of the tallfolk. You will bring back what we need, and you will return as heroes. Do not fear the light or the cold, for you carry the warmth of the Dragon Queen within you." The assembled Kobolds murmur in excitement and fear, their scales shimmering as they look to one another for reassurance.

"Go forth, my brave kin. Honour our queen with your deeds. Show the world above the might of the Kobold clan!" Anvitarum's voice rises to a triumphant crescendo, and the crowd erupts into fervent cheers. With the shaman's blessing, the first group of Kobolds prepares to embark on their journey to the surface, their hearts filled with purpose and the fire of their queen's will. They clutch their simple weapons and tools, ready to face whatever challenges await them.

As they ascend through the winding tunnels, the air grows colder and the light brighter. Finally, they emerge into the open air, the vast expanse of the surface world stretching out before them. Little do they know that their first challenge will come sooner than expected, as a group of adventurers seeks a shortcut through their domain.

The adventure begins.

Area 1: The Cave Entrance

Description: The cave entrance is a narrow, rocky passage that opens into a larger chamber just beneath the surface. The walls are damp, and the ground is uneven, with loose rocks and patches of slick moss.

Skill Checks for Hints:

• Perception (DC 12): Notice loose rocks that can be used to create rockslides or difficult terrain.
• Investigation (DC 14): Discover a hidden pitfall covered with loose dirt and leaves.
• Stealth (DC 10): Find hidden alcoves perfect for ambushes.
• Survival (DC 13): Identify tracks or signs of recent adventurer activity to anticipate their path.

Tactics for Kobolds:

• Set traps at the entrance: Use a net that drops from above or a tripwire that triggers falling rocks.
• Use echoes to mislead: Mimic larger creatures, creating fear and confusion among the adventurers.
• Ambush tactics: Hide above or in side passages and attack when the adventurers are in the larger chamber.

Area 2: The Crystal Cavern

Description: A beautiful but treacherous cavern filled with glittering crystals jutting from the walls and ceiling. The crystals reflect light in dazzling patterns, making it hard to see clearly.

Skill Checks for Hints:

• Perception (DC 13): Spot fragile stalactites that can be triggered to fall.
• Investigation (DC 15): Identify hidden tunnels only the Kobolds can easily navigate.
• Arcana (DC 12): Determine if any of the crystals have magical properties that can be used.
• Athletics (DC 14): Find climbable surfaces for higher ground advantages.

Tactics for Kobolds:

• Create caltrop-like obstacles: Break off crystals to scatter on the ground.
• Use hidden tunnels: Move unseen and attack from multiple angles.
• Trigger stalactites: Make them fall when adventurers are beneath them.
• Disorient with reflections: Use the reflections to confuse the adventurers and attack from unexpected directions.

Area 3: The Mushroom Forest

Description: A vast underground forest of giant mushrooms. The air is thick with spores, and the ground is soft and springy. The mushrooms vary in size and colour, some glowing faintly in the darkness.

Skill Checks for Hints:

• Nature (DC 12): Identify spore-releasing mushrooms that can impair vision and breathing.
• Perception (DC 14): Notice pitfalls concealed by soft ground.
• Medicine (DC 13): Determine which mushrooms are poisonous or have other harmful effects.
• Stealth (DC 10): Locate dense mushroom clusters for hiding.

Tactics for Kobolds:

• Lure into spore clouds: Use spore-releasing mushrooms to impair the adventurers' vision and breathing.
• Create misleading light patterns: Use glowing mushrooms to lead adventurers into traps.
• Conceal pitfalls: Use soft ground to hide pits and lure adventurers into them.
• Use poisonous mushrooms: Employ them as weapons, either by throwing or using blowguns to deliver spores.

Area 4: The Kobold Forge

Description: A hot, smoky chamber where the Kobolds forge their weapons and armour. The room is filled with makeshift forges, anvils, and piles of scrap metal. The heat is intense, and the sound of hammering is constant.

Skill Checks for Hints:

• Investigation (DC 12): Discover scrap metal that can be used for barricades or projectiles.
• Perception (DC 14): Notice booby-trapped equipment that can be used against the adventurers.
• History (DC 10): Recall any knowledge about previous uses of the forge area in defence.
• Sleight of Hand (DC 13): Find tools or items that can be rigged quickly for traps.

Tactics for Kobolds:

• Create heat hazards: Use the hot forges to make barriers of intense heat or launch burning projectiles.
• Build barricades: Use scrap metal to slow the adventurers' progress.
• Release smoke: Use thick smoke to blind and choke the adventurers.
• Utilise booby-trapped tools: Tempt adventurers with seemingly useful tools or weapons that are rigged to explode or release gas.

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GM's Guide: Running the Kobold Vending Machine

Welcome, Game Master! This adventure shines brightest when the odds are stacked absurdly high against the players — yet still just barely winnable thanks to teamwork, ingenuity, and an endless supply of throw-away Kobolds. Use the guidance below to tune the experience.

1. Keep the Pressure Relentless

• Throw complications every turn – falling rocks, wandering predators, rival dungeon denizens.
• Let successes shift the odds, but never remove danger entirely. Each victory should expose a new problem.
• Remember: Kobolds expect to die. Lean into slap-stick peril and let casualties fuel the comedy.

2. Reward Creative Solutions

When the party concocts a wild plan — building a seesaw trap from scrap metal or bottling mushroom spores to use as grenades — give them advantage or lower the DC. Encourage lateral thinking rather than straight combat.

3. Escalate, Don't Obstruct

• If they bypass your carefully laid ambush, applaud the ingenuity and escalate the next room instead of taking the win away.
• Use clock timers (collapsing tunnels, forge overheating) to force momentum.

4. Embrace the Vending Machine Loop

Death is a punch-line. When a Kobold dies, trigger fun sound effects, hand out a quirky new name, and drop them right back in. The table's laughter is the pacing cue — keep the cycle snappy.

5. Balancing Tips

• Adventurers are tougher but finite; Kobolds are weaker but endless.
• Give enemies one big advantage (AC, reach, AoE) and let environment & traps fill in the rest.
• Let players harvest gear from fallen foes to slowly close the power gap.

6. Failing Forward

If the Kobolds wipe, advance the surface threat – maybe Ulvatharra grows impatient or mercenaries begin sealing cave entrances. Each failure changes the scenario rather than ending it.

7. Finish Line

When the Kobolds finally haul enough resources home (or the surface world bands together to exterminate them) trigger a cinematic finale: open the temple's first chamber, unleash Ulvatharra's roar, fade to black… and start plotting the sequel.

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